


When I think of you

by Learn_From_Yesterday



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Catharsis, Clizzy - Freeform, Emotions, F/F, Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 07:41:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11709903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Learn_From_Yesterday/pseuds/Learn_From_Yesterday
Summary: Izzy has a lot of pent-up emotions towards Clary. She decides to let it out in a letter."Are you thinking about me right now? Did you think about me today? Do you ever think about me at all? I don’t know, and I can’t know because we don’t talk."





	When I think of you

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know who's going to read this, but I hope you like it. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing, so sorry if it's not that great. I just wanted to get this off my chest and send it to the universe.

Izzy came back to the Institute after a patrol with Jace, Alec and Clary. Like after every other patrol she’d been on this week, she came back alone. Alec went to see Magnus and , like always, Clary stayed with Jace. She came back with a paralyzing darkness in her heart. When she finally reached her room and closed her door, tears flooded her eyes. She couldn’t control them because she had been holding them in for hours. Since Clary and she had argued about Jace a month ago, seeing Clary was torture. They still talked of course, Clary was too polite to give Izzy the silent treatment. But slowly, the texts and the calls came less frequently, the hang-outs were rare, the conversation were stale: The void between them got bigger.

This frustrated Izzy to the point where she didn’t even know how to feel anymore. As tears left her eyes, thoughts invaded her mind. She couldn’t stop them, and they physically hurt. She wanted to bang her head on the door to stop them, so she decided to write a letter to Clary.

 

“When I think of you, I’m consumed by different emotions that I can barely comprehend: anger, resentment, guilt, fear, hate, love… All these emotions confuse me, so all I can do is ask myself questions:

 

Are you thinking about me right now? Did you think about me today? Do you ever think about me at all? I don’t know, and I can’t know because we don’t talk. So I’m just left with a lot of anger and resentment. _I spend more time thinking about her than she does about me_ , I tell myself. _She’s off living her life and I’m stuck in front of my phone screen thinking about whether I should text her or not._ Oh the time I spend trying to convince myself to make the first move and then reminding myself of the times you’ve shown no interest in me.

 

_She has time for Jace, but not for me._ _She wants to see others, but not me. I’m boring. I’m not good enough for her._

And then I get mad. Screw you for making me feel this way. Screw you for making me feel guilty when I can’t see you, when I’m mad at you, when I’m not interesting enough for you. Screw you for making me feel guilty for not being there for you when you haven’t been here for me for a long time.

 

And then I’m afraid. I’m afraid my side of the story is wrong. I’m afraid that if I talked honestly with you, you’d make me realize that it’s all my fault. That I’m the one who created a rift between us. That I’m the one who changed our relationship. But more than anything, I’m afraid that you don’t even care that there’s a crack in our friendship.

 

And I hate you for all that. I hate you for making me feel bad. I hate you for not wanting me. I hate you for not needing me anymore. I hate you for pretending you want to see me. I hate you for pretending that our relationship is normal when it’s the coldest friendship we’ve ever had. All this pretending makes me bitter because honesty is something I always admired in you.

 

And then I hate myself, because I’m also pretending. I say nothing, I just hope we’ll get over it. I just hope that you’ll let him go and come back to me.

 

Why do I keep pictures of you on my desktop? Why do I keep this stupid drawing you made me? Why do I keep you at the top of my contact favorites?

I keep all these things because if I get rid of them, I won’t remember us. If these relics are gone, I won’t believe that we were once important to each other. Overtime, I’ll convince myself we never existed, that you never cared about me, that you never loved me. So I keep them, hoping that you’ll come back to me and that we’ll be able to reminisce on these objects and events together.

 

The thing is, the only reason I feel all these negative emotions is because of this hugely overwhelming positive emotion I feel towards you: love. I love you. I have since I first saw you. You made me feel special. You saw me differently than the other people in my life. You saw right through me and with you I could break down. I could stop being confident and strong all the time. I liked who I was around you. When I was with you, I felt pure, I felt like my true self but now all that’s left is bitterness. Bitterness because I know that I’ll never be enough… I’ll never be Jace. “

 

Izzy had never admitted to any of this, not even to herself. It felt good to let it all out. But it was useless, because she knew she would never give this letter to Clary. She knew she’ll never have the guts to be honest with her again. She knew she’d never be _with_ Clary again.

**Author's Note:**

> I guess that just like Izzy, I'm looking for catharsis through writing and I'm writing to someone who will never see this.


End file.
